RCR Exclusive: Bond 22 plot revealed!!!!11one
Oh yes, I have done it. I have scored the exclusive of the century. Oh yes. What you talking 'bout Willis? Not Willis, he's in Die Hard 4, I'm talking about Bond. James Bond. Not Samantha Bond, even though she is in Bond. Or at least she was until Barbara Brocolli was all like, "OMG REINVIGORATION PLS K THX."
So they reinvigorated Bond by casting a glum bastard and getting rid of all the fun bits. Otherwise it was the same fucking movie, and if you didn't see that you're all morons. I went right out and bought a Sony Vaio laptop before booking a flight on Virgin Atlantic because I don't cave to peer pressure; I am product placement's bitch, and Casino Royale did it soooo subtly.
Anyway, the point is, it made enough money because everyone said, "Well it's kinda different, go see it," so of course they're making the next one. But no-one knows the plot yet. EXCEPT ME! And everyone who's about to read this. Smuggled from within Sony Pictures by an agent operating on my behalf, this is the official treatment.
PRE CREDITS SEQUENCE: Bond ENTERS. He looks MYSTERIOUS. He makes an UNDERCOVER DEAL but, ohnoes, someone RECOGNISES him. He SILENCES them with a flick of his SILENCED WEAPON.
Bond: That's them silenced.
The audience LAUGHS, becuase that's supposed to be funny. Bond does BLUE STEEL. He makes an EXIT but on the way TRIPS a TRIP MINE and an ALARM starts blaring. Several Russians/North Koreans/Arabs/Londoners (delete as applicable based on whoever's most despised as filming begins) start CHASING him. There's an EXPLOSION and lots of people die. Then he gets on a VEHICLE of some kind and outruns them before another EXPLOSION signals the start of the...
CREDIT SEQUENCE: DANCING GIRLS DANCE SEXILY WHILE SHOOTING ALL MANNER OF WEAPONRY AND GENERALLY BEING ALL LESBIAN TOGETHER.
Singer: He carries a gun... 'cos that's what heeeee doeeesss.
He only carries it to silence the dooooovvvees.
MORE DANCING GIRLS GET THEIR GAY ON. MAYBE THERE'S SOME COMMUNIST STUFF BECAUSE WHY NOT.
Singer: But he knows when heeee waaaaalllks, Just how heeeee talkkkks.
He's a motherfucking spy 'cos that's what he foooorrrkss.
MORE GIRLS AND PERHAPS A SCENE WHERE ONE COMES OUT OF OIL BEFORE THE REFRAIN.
Singer: These lyrics are mad, but I'll sing them anywaaaaay 'cos one thing I know is I'll...
MORE GIRLS LEAD US INTO THE CHORUS.
Singer: Die Tomorrow. Bond 22. I'll dieeeeee tomorrow. Bond 22. This is BOOOONNND 22.
Fade to: Dancing girls in a club in someplace in the world (see how we're justifying our writers' salaries Barbara?). The CAMERA pans OUT to reveal BOND. He spots a girl he likes played by SOME HOT ACTRESS AT THE TIME OF SHOOTING or possibly BARBARA WINDSOR. He does LA TIGRE.
Girl: Oh Mr. Bond, I presume.
Bond: No, wait, you don't know that...
Girl: Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you?
Bond: The name's Bond. James Bond.
Girl: Well Mr. Bond, it seems I have been seeming to be expecting you.
Bond: My weapon is ready.
Girl: I'll bet is it. *cheeky laugh*
Bond takes out a terrorist and the MUSIC SWELLS. Copyright, 2007, James Arnold or someone.
Girl (con't): Well, Mr. Bond. It seems you know just how to use that fine tool of yours.
Bond: Oh, I think you'll find I know just how to stick my COCK in your HOLE.
Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond. Be less obvious.
Bond: Sorry. I think you'll find I know just how to stick my gun in your holster.
Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond.
Bond takes her roughly in the hay. He does FERARI.
Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond. Another pun!
Bond: Pun, pun my good lady. Pun, Pun.
CUT TO: Sweden or someplace. An arms deal goes down. Bond does BLUE STEEL again, but not before taking out some terrorist people. He meets JeSuis, an evil arms dealing motherfucking.
JeSuis: Oh, Mr. Bond. Allow me to introduce Punanita.
Punanita: Oh, Mr. Bond. Charmed.
BOND is angered by her evil. He does some more FERARI.
JeSuis: Now, Mr. Bond. If you'll excuse me, I must take over the world. But not before I explain my motivation to you. You see, my father...
This goes on for AN HOUR OR SO. EVentually he leaves and Bond does BLUE STEEL as he walks out. Then Punanita rescues him.
Bond: But I thought you were evil?
Punanita: No, I'm good.
A gun clicks. Girl is standing behind Punanita.
Girl: I'm evil.
Bond does FERARI. He presses a button on his watch. Girl blows up.
Bond: I guess she learned all about explosive fisting...
Punanita: Oh James...
CUT TO: Sex.
FADE OUT.
How fucking reinvigorating.
So they reinvigorated Bond by casting a glum bastard and getting rid of all the fun bits. Otherwise it was the same fucking movie, and if you didn't see that you're all morons. I went right out and bought a Sony Vaio laptop before booking a flight on Virgin Atlantic because I don't cave to peer pressure; I am product placement's bitch, and Casino Royale did it soooo subtly.
Anyway, the point is, it made enough money because everyone said, "Well it's kinda different, go see it," so of course they're making the next one. But no-one knows the plot yet. EXCEPT ME! And everyone who's about to read this. Smuggled from within Sony Pictures by an agent operating on my behalf, this is the official treatment.
PRE CREDITS SEQUENCE: Bond ENTERS. He looks MYSTERIOUS. He makes an UNDERCOVER DEAL but, ohnoes, someone RECOGNISES him. He SILENCES them with a flick of his SILENCED WEAPON.
Bond: That's them silenced.
The audience LAUGHS, becuase that's supposed to be funny. Bond does BLUE STEEL. He makes an EXIT but on the way TRIPS a TRIP MINE and an ALARM starts blaring. Several Russians/North Koreans/Arabs/Londoners (delete as applicable based on whoever's most despised as filming begins) start CHASING him. There's an EXPLOSION and lots of people die. Then he gets on a VEHICLE of some kind and outruns them before another EXPLOSION signals the start of the...
CREDIT SEQUENCE: DANCING GIRLS DANCE SEXILY WHILE SHOOTING ALL MANNER OF WEAPONRY AND GENERALLY BEING ALL LESBIAN TOGETHER.
Singer: He carries a gun... 'cos that's what heeeee doeeesss.
He only carries it to silence the dooooovvvees.
MORE DANCING GIRLS GET THEIR GAY ON. MAYBE THERE'S SOME COMMUNIST STUFF BECAUSE WHY NOT.
Singer: But he knows when heeee waaaaalllks, Just how heeeee talkkkks.
He's a motherfucking spy 'cos that's what he foooorrrkss.
MORE GIRLS AND PERHAPS A SCENE WHERE ONE COMES OUT OF OIL BEFORE THE REFRAIN.
Singer: These lyrics are mad, but I'll sing them anywaaaaay 'cos one thing I know is I'll...
MORE GIRLS LEAD US INTO THE CHORUS.
Singer: Die Tomorrow. Bond 22. I'll dieeeeee tomorrow. Bond 22. This is BOOOONNND 22.
Fade to: Dancing girls in a club in someplace in the world (see how we're justifying our writers' salaries Barbara?). The CAMERA pans OUT to reveal BOND. He spots a girl he likes played by SOME HOT ACTRESS AT THE TIME OF SHOOTING or possibly BARBARA WINDSOR. He does LA TIGRE.
Girl: Oh Mr. Bond, I presume.
Bond: No, wait, you don't know that...
Girl: Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you?
Bond: The name's Bond. James Bond.
Girl: Well Mr. Bond, it seems I have been seeming to be expecting you.
Bond: My weapon is ready.
Girl: I'll bet is it. *cheeky laugh*
Bond takes out a terrorist and the MUSIC SWELLS. Copyright, 2007, James Arnold or someone.
Girl (con't): Well, Mr. Bond. It seems you know just how to use that fine tool of yours.
Bond: Oh, I think you'll find I know just how to stick my COCK in your HOLE.
Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond. Be less obvious.
Bond: Sorry. I think you'll find I know just how to stick my gun in your holster.
Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond.
Bond takes her roughly in the hay. He does FERARI.
Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond. Another pun!
Bond: Pun, pun my good lady. Pun, Pun.
CUT TO: Sweden or someplace. An arms deal goes down. Bond does BLUE STEEL again, but not before taking out some terrorist people. He meets JeSuis, an evil arms dealing motherfucking.
JeSuis: Oh, Mr. Bond. Allow me to introduce Punanita.
Punanita: Oh, Mr. Bond. Charmed.
BOND is angered by her evil. He does some more FERARI.
JeSuis: Now, Mr. Bond. If you'll excuse me, I must take over the world. But not before I explain my motivation to you. You see, my father...
This goes on for AN HOUR OR SO. EVentually he leaves and Bond does BLUE STEEL as he walks out. Then Punanita rescues him.
Bond: But I thought you were evil?
Punanita: No, I'm good.
A gun clicks. Girl is standing behind Punanita.
Girl: I'm evil.
Bond does FERARI. He presses a button on his watch. Girl blows up.
Bond: I guess she learned all about explosive fisting...
Punanita: Oh James...
CUT TO: Sex.
FADE OUT.
How fucking reinvigorating.
