Keira Knightley is Stalking Me
If I saw that title without this exemplary post explaining it, I would be sceptical. Internet blogger is getting stalked by a woman? Not natural.
First off, Keira Knightley isn't a woman. She's skin attached to a skeleton. You think you can see a shot of her breast in that picture, but if you look closer you'll notice it's stuck on with sticky-back plastic and she learned the technique when she was 12 and they aired that really controversial episode of Blue Peter. I heard a rumour that they didn't use CG for the skeletons in Pirates of the Caribbean, they just took Keira Knightley's skin off and she played two parts and I believe it because it came from a reliable source who I totally trust.
But anyway, she's stalking me. I know I'm a film journalist and it's my job to find these people, but explain this sequence of bizarre encounters:
- At the premiere of Pride & Prejudice I was behind a velvet rope stood still. She came up to me and started talking to me. NO LIES.
- I went to a set visit in Wales or someplace that doesn't matter and she wasn't in the film but she was there. SHE WAS THERE, man.
- At the premiere of Pirates 2 there she was. Right there. I was stood in that velvet rope arrangement again and she came up to me wearing what can only be described as a flannel with her "breasts" dangling in my face (I guess she needed some new SBP) and everything. And she was talking to me all over the shop. AGAIN.
- Then she was there when I had my allotted interview time with her the next day. She'd turned up.
OK, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking the fact that Keira Knightley happened to fulfil her contractual publicity obligations doesn't mean she's stalking me. And if you're thinking that, refer to the last sentence in my very first post. Does point 2 not mean anything to you people? SHE WASN'T EVEN IN THE FILM.
Now I saw Pride & Prejudice and I hated it, as I was rightly supposed to. They made it because people need movies to hate, I read it in a secret document outlining the plan for making the film. She was as skeletal and crap in it as she was in every film she's ever made ever. She can't act, she just looks pretty (apparently) and gets Oscar nominations. The Bible folk were all like "Apocalypse in the year 2000" but, in fact, they were six years out. When the Oscar nominations were announced, that's when the world ended. We now live in a post-Apocalyptic society which, to me, explains Lily Allen.
But, what can I say, I guess she's taken a shine to me with all these encounters. And so I can't totally hate her because she obviously has impeccable taste.
Nevertheless, I'm taking out a restraining order because this is just getting ridiculous. I hear she's dating Rupert Friend to make me jealous. Apparently no-one told her that I've never heard of Rupert Friend before. If she really wanted to make me jealous she should start dating Gillian Anderson. But if she did that I would be forced to finish her.
