Red Carpet Rumblings

Oh yes, I have done it. I have scored the exclusive of the century. Oh yes. What you talking 'bout Willis? Not Willis, he's in Die Hard 4, I'm talking about Bond. James Bond. Not Samantha Bond, even though she is in Bond. Or at least she was until Barbara Brocolli was all like, "OMG REINVIGORATION PLS K THX."

So they reinvigorated Bond by casting a glum bastard and getting rid of all the fun bits. Otherwise it was the same fucking movie, and if you didn't see that you're all morons. I went right out and bought a Sony Vaio laptop before booking a flight on Virgin Atlantic because I don't cave to peer pressure; I am product placement's bitch, and Casino Royale did it soooo subtly.

Anyway, the point is, it made enough money because everyone said, "Well it's kinda different, go see it," so of course they're making the next one. But no-one knows the plot yet. EXCEPT ME! And everyone who's about to read this. Smuggled from within Sony Pictures by an agent operating on my behalf, this is the official treatment.

PRE CREDITS SEQUENCE: Bond ENTERS. He looks MYSTERIOUS. He makes an UNDERCOVER DEAL but, ohnoes, someone RECOGNISES him. He SILENCES them with a flick of his SILENCED WEAPON.

Bond: That's them silenced.

The audience LAUGHS, becuase that's supposed to be funny. Bond does BLUE STEEL. He makes an EXIT but on the way TRIPS a TRIP MINE and an ALARM starts blaring. Several Russians/North Koreans/Arabs/Londoners (delete as applicable based on whoever's most despised as filming begins) start CHASING him. There's an EXPLOSION and lots of people die. Then he gets on a VEHICLE of some kind and outruns them before another EXPLOSION signals the start of the...

CREDIT SEQUENCE: DANCING GIRLS DANCE SEXILY WHILE SHOOTING ALL MANNER OF WEAPONRY AND GENERALLY BEING ALL LESBIAN TOGETHER.

Singer: He carries a gun... 'cos that's what heeeee doeeesss.
He only carries it to silence the dooooovvvees.

MORE DANCING GIRLS GET THEIR GAY ON. MAYBE THERE'S SOME COMMUNIST STUFF BECAUSE WHY NOT.

Singer: But he knows when heeee waaaaalllks, Just how heeeee talkkkks.
He's a motherfucking spy 'cos that's what he foooorrrkss.

MORE GIRLS AND PERHAPS A SCENE WHERE ONE COMES OUT OF OIL BEFORE THE REFRAIN.

Singer: These lyrics are mad, but I'll sing them anywaaaaay 'cos one thing I know is I'll...

MORE GIRLS LEAD US INTO THE CHORUS.

Singer: Die Tomorrow. Bond 22. I'll dieeeeee tomorrow. Bond 22. This is BOOOONNND 22.

Fade to: Dancing girls in a club in someplace in the world (see how we're justifying our writers' salaries Barbara?). The CAMERA pans OUT to reveal BOND. He spots a girl he likes played by SOME HOT ACTRESS AT THE TIME OF SHOOTING or possibly BARBARA WINDSOR. He does LA TIGRE.

Girl: Oh Mr. Bond, I presume.

Bond: No, wait, you don't know that...

Girl: Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you?

Bond: The name's Bond. James Bond.

Girl: Well Mr. Bond, it seems I have been seeming to be expecting you.

Bond: My weapon is ready.

Girl: I'll bet is it. *cheeky laugh*

Bond takes out a terrorist and the MUSIC SWELLS. Copyright, 2007, James Arnold or someone.

Girl (con't): Well, Mr. Bond. It seems you know just how to use that fine tool of yours.

Bond: Oh, I think you'll find I know just how to stick my COCK in your HOLE.

Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond. Be less obvious.

Bond: Sorry. I think you'll find I know just how to stick my gun in your holster.

Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond.

Bond takes her roughly in the hay. He does FERARI.

Girl: Oh, Mr. Bond. Another pun!

Bond: Pun, pun my good lady. Pun, Pun.

CUT TO: Sweden or someplace. An arms deal goes down. Bond does BLUE STEEL again, but not before taking out some terrorist people. He meets JeSuis, an evil arms dealing motherfucking.

JeSuis: Oh, Mr. Bond. Allow me to introduce Punanita.

Punanita: Oh, Mr. Bond. Charmed.

BOND is angered by her evil. He does some more FERARI.

JeSuis: Now, Mr. Bond. If you'll excuse me, I must take over the world. But not before I explain my motivation to you. You see, my father...

This goes on for AN HOUR OR SO. EVentually he leaves and Bond does BLUE STEEL as he walks out. Then Punanita rescues him.

Bond: But I thought you were evil?

Punanita: No, I'm good.

A gun clicks. Girl is standing behind Punanita.

Girl: I'm evil.

Bond does FERARI. He presses a button on his watch. Girl blows up.

Bond: I guess she learned all about explosive fisting...

Punanita: Oh James...

CUT TO: Sex.

FADE OUT.

How fucking reinvigorating.

Posted by Red Carpet Rumbler at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

Y'see, what I did in the title there was take the name of a famous book, in this case Of Mice and Men by Dan Brown or someone and plunder, rape and pillage it, subtly changing stuff so you wouldn't notice, to describe this post about a book which does the exact same thing.

That book is called Eragon, and since it was bought by my Great Corporate Benefactor, I guess I have to struggle through it before the movie comes out next week and I have to interview a bunch of people I've never heard of before. And Jeremy Irons.

The plot revolves around a young farmboy called Eragon, who discovers he has magical powers when he's forced into a conflict he has no knowledge of. He must go on an epic journey to defeat an evil Empire ruled over by a dark king called Galaborotorixia or something. He has help, of course, in the shape of a wizened old master called Brom, who teaches him the ways of the Dragon Riders, of which he becomes. Along the way he meets up with a roguish briggand called Murtagh who is a bit grumpy because, why not? Then he rescues a beautiful elf called Enya or something and they meet up with a group of resistance fighters called the Varden. A big battle happens. The end.

Do you see what I did there? Let's try again.

The plot revolves around a young farmboy called Luke Skywalker, who discovers he has magical powers when he's forced into a conflict he has no knowledge of. He must go on an epic journey to defeat an evil Empire ruled over by a dark lord called Palpatation or something. He has help, of course, in the shape of a wizened old master called Obi-Wan Kenobi, who teaches him the ways of the Jedi Knights, of which he becomes. Along the way he meets up with a roguish briggand called Han Solo who is a bit grumpy because, why not? Then he rescues a beautiful princess called Layla or something and they meet up with a group of resistance fighters called the Rebel Alliance. A big battle happens. The end.
The book was written by a sickeningly pretentious 20 year old who started it when he was 15. It was published not because it's quality literature like The Secret Diary of Abi Titmuss, age 24 1/2 or Jordan: My Story (featuring My Breasts, a pop-up center spread), but because his sickeningly rich parents have their own publishing house and homeschooled him as they took him on a grassroots book tour on which some proper publisher saw dollar signs in her eyes and bought the book purely so she could market it on the fact that he started writing it when he was 15. My cat could've written a more original novel and she died this year at the ripe old age of 8.

Following the Lord of the Rings mould (because why plagiarise one source when there are two to be raped and plundered?), the characters do shit loads of walking, always talk in exposition and are fighting fit if they're men, ethereal if they're elves and miners who drink if they're dwarves. There's even a race of ugly brutes called the Urgal who have a superset called something else I don't care to remember, just like the Orcs and Uruk-hai. For good measure, there's even some Nazgul action in the shape of the Ra'zac.

Christopher Panini, or whatever his name is, essentially just saw a bunch of cool shit, put it in his book and then got lucky because he's a precocious little wanker. I know this because when he talks of his writing he says sickeningly humbling things like, "Wow, I really envy that [insert authors name here] guy; you really know how to pace your work random-author-who-isn't-me. Oh, that I might learn from your brilliant ways." Also, he includes sentences in the book such as:

"And thus, Eragon did look upon the egg and noticed that cracks started to appear on the surface. Lest I doth shine on the shingled beaches of my youth once more, thought Eragon, I would nots look upon such a glorious sight as this again in all my years upon the hard-soiled Earth on which I walk. And then at once there was a great flash of light, and he did see it and it was good; a dragon, stout and true. "Holy shit," Eragon didst say then, "I will call it Safira and we will be inseperable forever even though I have absolutely no experience raising a 20-foot-tall fire-breathing creature. Because I'm clever like that. Also, if you keep reading, I take my shirt off later."

Put it this way; Alex Pettyfer (for it is he) turned down the role of the 15 year-old boy-rider Eragon and then went and accepted Stormbreaker. If you saw Stormbreaker you will know why that previous sentence shows just how crap the film is bound to be.

Posted by Red Carpet Rumbler at 5:22 PM | Permalink | Comments