Of Elves and Men
Y'see, what I did in the title there was take the name of a famous book, in this case Of Mice and Men by Dan Brown or someone and plunder, rape and pillage it, subtly changing stuff so you wouldn't notice, to describe this post about a book which does the exact same thing.
That book is called Eragon, and since it was bought by my Great Corporate Benefactor, I guess I have to struggle through it before the movie comes out next week and I have to interview a bunch of people I've never heard of before. And Jeremy Irons.
The plot revolves around a young farmboy called Eragon, who discovers he has magical powers when he's forced into a conflict he has no knowledge of. He must go on an epic journey to defeat an evil Empire ruled over by a dark king called Galaborotorixia or something. He has help, of course, in the shape of a wizened old master called Brom, who teaches him the ways of the Dragon Riders, of which he becomes. Along the way he meets up with a roguish briggand called Murtagh who is a bit grumpy because, why not? Then he rescues a beautiful elf called Enya or something and they meet up with a group of resistance fighters called the Varden. A big battle happens. The end.
Do you see what I did there? Let's try again.
The plot revolves around a young farmboy called Luke Skywalker, who discovers he has magical powers when he's forced into a conflict he has no knowledge of. He must go on an epic journey to defeat an evil Empire ruled over by a dark lord called Palpatation or something. He has help, of course, in the shape of a wizened old master called Obi-Wan Kenobi, who teaches him the ways of the Jedi Knights, of which he becomes. Along the way he meets up with a roguish briggand called Han Solo who is a bit grumpy because, why not? Then he rescues a beautiful princess called Layla or something and they meet up with a group of resistance fighters called the Rebel Alliance. A big battle happens. The end.
The book was written by a sickeningly pretentious 20 year old who started it when he was 15. It was published not because it's quality literature like The Secret Diary of Abi Titmuss, age 24 1/2 or Jordan: My Story (featuring My Breasts, a pop-up center spread), but because his sickeningly rich parents have their own publishing house and homeschooled him as they took him on a grassroots book tour on which some proper publisher saw dollar signs in her eyes and bought the book purely so she could market it on the fact that he started writing it when he was 15. My cat could've written a more original novel and she died this year at the ripe old age of 8.
Following the Lord of the Rings mould (because why plagiarise one source when there are two to be raped and plundered?), the characters do shit loads of walking, always talk in exposition and are fighting fit if they're men, ethereal if they're elves and miners who drink if they're dwarves. There's even a race of ugly brutes called the Urgal who have a superset called something else I don't care to remember, just like the Orcs and Uruk-hai. For good measure, there's even some Nazgul action in the shape of the Ra'zac.
Christopher Panini, or whatever his name is, essentially just saw a bunch of cool shit, put it in his book and then got lucky because he's a precocious little wanker. I know this because when he talks of his writing he says sickeningly humbling things like, "Wow, I really envy that [insert authors name here] guy; you really know how to pace your work random-author-who-isn't-me. Oh, that I might learn from your brilliant ways." Also, he includes sentences in the book such as:
"And thus, Eragon did look upon the egg and noticed that cracks started to appear on the surface. Lest I doth shine on the shingled beaches of my youth once more, thought Eragon, I would nots look upon such a glorious sight as this again in all my years upon the hard-soiled Earth on which I walk. And then at once there was a great flash of light, and he did see it and it was good; a dragon, stout and true. "Holy shit," Eragon didst say then, "I will call it Safira and we will be inseperable forever even though I have absolutely no experience raising a 20-foot-tall fire-breathing creature. Because I'm clever like that. Also, if you keep reading, I take my shirt off later."
Put it this way; Alex Pettyfer (for it is he) turned down the role of the 15 year-old boy-rider Eragon and then went and accepted Stormbreaker. If you saw Stormbreaker you will know why that previous sentence shows just how crap the film is bound to be.
That book is called Eragon, and since it was bought by my Great Corporate Benefactor, I guess I have to struggle through it before the movie comes out next week and I have to interview a bunch of people I've never heard of before. And Jeremy Irons.
The plot revolves around a young farmboy called Eragon, who discovers he has magical powers when he's forced into a conflict he has no knowledge of. He must go on an epic journey to defeat an evil Empire ruled over by a dark king called Galaborotorixia or something. He has help, of course, in the shape of a wizened old master called Brom, who teaches him the ways of the Dragon Riders, of which he becomes. Along the way he meets up with a roguish briggand called Murtagh who is a bit grumpy because, why not? Then he rescues a beautiful elf called Enya or something and they meet up with a group of resistance fighters called the Varden. A big battle happens. The end.
Do you see what I did there? Let's try again.
The plot revolves around a young farmboy called Luke Skywalker, who discovers he has magical powers when he's forced into a conflict he has no knowledge of. He must go on an epic journey to defeat an evil Empire ruled over by a dark lord called Palpatation or something. He has help, of course, in the shape of a wizened old master called Obi-Wan Kenobi, who teaches him the ways of the Jedi Knights, of which he becomes. Along the way he meets up with a roguish briggand called Han Solo who is a bit grumpy because, why not? Then he rescues a beautiful princess called Layla or something and they meet up with a group of resistance fighters called the Rebel Alliance. A big battle happens. The end.
The book was written by a sickeningly pretentious 20 year old who started it when he was 15. It was published not because it's quality literature like The Secret Diary of Abi Titmuss, age 24 1/2 or Jordan: My Story (featuring My Breasts, a pop-up center spread), but because his sickeningly rich parents have their own publishing house and homeschooled him as they took him on a grassroots book tour on which some proper publisher saw dollar signs in her eyes and bought the book purely so she could market it on the fact that he started writing it when he was 15. My cat could've written a more original novel and she died this year at the ripe old age of 8.
Following the Lord of the Rings mould (because why plagiarise one source when there are two to be raped and plundered?), the characters do shit loads of walking, always talk in exposition and are fighting fit if they're men, ethereal if they're elves and miners who drink if they're dwarves. There's even a race of ugly brutes called the Urgal who have a superset called something else I don't care to remember, just like the Orcs and Uruk-hai. For good measure, there's even some Nazgul action in the shape of the Ra'zac.
Christopher Panini, or whatever his name is, essentially just saw a bunch of cool shit, put it in his book and then got lucky because he's a precocious little wanker. I know this because when he talks of his writing he says sickeningly humbling things like, "Wow, I really envy that [insert authors name here] guy; you really know how to pace your work random-author-who-isn't-me. Oh, that I might learn from your brilliant ways." Also, he includes sentences in the book such as:
"And thus, Eragon did look upon the egg and noticed that cracks started to appear on the surface. Lest I doth shine on the shingled beaches of my youth once more, thought Eragon, I would nots look upon such a glorious sight as this again in all my years upon the hard-soiled Earth on which I walk. And then at once there was a great flash of light, and he did see it and it was good; a dragon, stout and true. "Holy shit," Eragon didst say then, "I will call it Safira and we will be inseperable forever even though I have absolutely no experience raising a 20-foot-tall fire-breathing creature. Because I'm clever like that. Also, if you keep reading, I take my shirt off later."
Put it this way; Alex Pettyfer (for it is he) turned down the role of the 15 year-old boy-rider Eragon and then went and accepted Stormbreaker. If you saw Stormbreaker you will know why that previous sentence shows just how crap the film is bound to be.
Shut up, I still haven't seen Stormbreaker and I quite want to. I still haven't seen Bond yet either, namely because London cinema prices are so bloody extortionate that it was a toss-up between that and Stranger Than Fiction, and the latter was so brilliant I could happily not eat for a week. Eragon is going to be horrible. I can't believe I'm wasting my Monday night on that when i could be rehearsing my avant-garde musical Nativity play in Stoke Newington.
Posted by
Kat |
2:14 AM