Infinite Loop
Do you remember Basic? I think it was called Basic. It was a program they taught you in computer science (after you'd passed through Basic Keyboard Usage and File Manager 101, of course, and got on to the cerebral shit) that could do amazing things like make a turtle spell out "shit" if you programmed it correctly. We giggled like arseholes when we did that but I always got sad when I shut the computer down afterwards because I knew I was taking that turtle's life.
Anyway, there were certain functions you could do, such as (and I'm remembering badly here, so if any Basic geeks want to write in and tell me how wrong I are, they can refer themselves to the last sentence in my very first post):
10 Print "Hello"
20 Goto 10
And that would cause an infinite loop that would do amazing things like blow up the computer. I did this a lot until my parents got a call from the school.
Well one time, I hooked it up to a device that could read my brain (because I was so much cooler than those jerks who thought the keyboard was the pinnacle of imput systems) and coded in:
10 Print "Thing I hate"
20 Goto 10
You can imagine how off-the-wall shit got. I hated so much that not only did I blow up the computer in front of me but I also blew up the school. Which was really sad because the canteen made excellent chicken burgers.
Yesterday I went to a controlled computer lab in Berkshire (all the cool kids hang out in Berkshire these days. They have more Starbucks per capita than any other county in the UK, dontchaknow) and repeated the experiment. This time the lab did not blow up and I was forced to use C4 after the fact. But before I did, I printed out the list and carried it home on a helicopter because it was that heavy. This is but 0.01% of the list...
Anyway, there were certain functions you could do, such as (and I'm remembering badly here, so if any Basic geeks want to write in and tell me how wrong I are, they can refer themselves to the last sentence in my very first post):
10 Print "Hello"
20 Goto 10
And that would cause an infinite loop that would do amazing things like blow up the computer. I did this a lot until my parents got a call from the school.
Well one time, I hooked it up to a device that could read my brain (because I was so much cooler than those jerks who thought the keyboard was the pinnacle of imput systems) and coded in:
10 Print "Thing I hate"
20 Goto 10
You can imagine how off-the-wall shit got. I hated so much that not only did I blow up the computer in front of me but I also blew up the school. Which was really sad because the canteen made excellent chicken burgers.
Yesterday I went to a controlled computer lab in Berkshire (all the cool kids hang out in Berkshire these days. They have more Starbucks per capita than any other county in the UK, dontchaknow) and repeated the experiment. This time the lab did not blow up and I was forced to use C4 after the fact. But before I did, I printed out the list and carried it home on a helicopter because it was that heavy. This is but 0.01% of the list...
- Paris Hilton
- Perez Hilton
- Lindsay Lohan when she's not acting
- Lindsay Lohan when she's acting
- The Wayans Brothers
- The Wachowski Brothers
- Michael Eisner
- Keira Knightley
- People who think Johnny Depp is the world's greatest actor
- Bono
- People who think Alanis Morissette only released one good album
- The tube
- The buses
- easyJet
- Ryan Air
- Especially Ryan Air
- Wales
- People who say "STFU" on message boards
- People who say "STFU" in real life
- Especially people who say "STFU" in real life
- Will Ferrell
- Ashton Kutcher
- Films starring Ashton Kutcher
- Films starring Ashton Kutcher as a loveable rogue
- Films starring Ashton Kutcher as a loveable rogue with a heart of gold
- Punk'd
- Big Brother
- Celebrity Big Brother
- Love Island
- Celebrity Love Island
- X-Factor
- Celebrity X-Factor Love Island Edition
- Celebrity Big Brother made up of people who became famous for being a contestant in Big Brother
- All other reality TV shows ever made, ever
- Any other television show that features a voting element
- Celebrity shows featuring celebrities no-one has ever heard of
- How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria (work it out yourselves)
- Graham Norton
- Russell Brand
- Pete Doherty
- Kate Moss
- Stories about Pete Doherty and Kate Moss
- People who iron their socks
- Local Radio
- National Radio
- Internet Radio
- Especially Internet Radio
- King of Queens
- Two and a half Men
- Three Sisters
- Snotty teenage chavs who think the world revolves around them
- The brats of Brat Camp
- Brat Camp
- Ryan Reynolds
- Films starring Ryan Reynolds
- Films starring Ryan Reynolds as a cheeky chappy
- Films starring Ryan Reynolds as a cheeky chappy with a heart of gold
- The Crazy Frog
- The Teletubbies
- Mobile Phones with cameras on them
- Sales people who laugh at you when you ask if they still make phones without cameras on them
- Lily Allen
- Keith Allen
- Four Poofs and a Piano
- Heat Magazine
- Magazines that wish they were Heat Magazine
- People that read Heat Magazine and/or magazines that wish they were Heat Magazine
- Parents who think their child's behaviour can be blamed on 9/11
- People who think everything bad that happens in their lives can be blamed on 9/11
- Orlando Bloom
- Harry/Hermione 'shippers
- People who think the world will change if the next Harry Potter book doesn't go their way, 'ship-wise
- Celebrities who think they're above publicising their movie when they go to a premiere to publicise their movie
- Publicists who think they're above publicising their projects
- Daniel Craig
- CraigIsNotBond.com
- livejournal.com
- elephant.co.uk
- confused.com
- Anything else that sells insurance with a domain suffix in their company name
- Sheila's Wheels
- Adverts for Sheila's Wheels
- The MPAA
- Daniel Bedingfield
- The fact that Daniel Bedingfield got a record contract before Natasha Bedingfield
- Films about animals that can talk unless they're done by Pixar and/or Disney more than 20 years ago
- Films about cars that can talk especially if they're done by Pixar
- Britney Spears
- K Fed
- TomKat
- Bennifer
- Brangelina
- People who christened TomKat, K Fed, Brangelina and Bennifer
- Especially Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton is a goddess. Leave her and her permanently unfazed expression alone.
While your list is impressive in its irritation, you've left off some crucial hateable things. Namely:
- South American pan pipe players
- People who stand on the left of the escalator
- Fat-free percentages
- Twats who use their phones as stereos to listen to bad music
- When you suddenly realise your cutlery's gone in the dishwasher upside down and is therefore still covered in bits of food
- People who have dishwashers, yet still complain
Posted by
Kat |
3:36 AM
- Mac Mini's.
- People who use ridiculous numbers in their email addresses.
- Baked beans with sausages.
- Christmas shopping
- Christmas
- Christ
- People who don't like Paris Hilton
...and most of all...
- People who believe that Cornish Pasites brought at train stations in London are really Cornish!
Posted by
Dan Read |
10:05 AM
They said "Handmade in Cornwall." THEY WOULDN'T LIE IN ADVERTISING
Posted by
Red Carpet Rumbler |
11:51 AM